Don't Be A Macho Man

DAILY HAPPENINGS IN THE FORM OF VOMIT

2005-12-29T23:42:00.000-05:00

it turns out i'm still alive. if anyone's still reading this, you can't actually be surprised that i haven't written regularly can you?

so, i've been at work for three whole weeks. and it's been great. really busy. some moments of high stress—mainly self-inflicted. i work on an awesome team though. nine designers—1 betty. 8 dudes, 4 of whom are PCers. campus is nice—fire pit in the middle of the buildings and fireplace in the cafeteria. lots of beautiful people. i'm designing shirts already and presenting just like i was trained to do at school. i don't think the shirts are quite on target yet, but i'm learning so much everyday.

living in columbus seems okay so far. might be just because i'm too busy at work to notice otherwise.

i went home for christmas. it was the shortest christmas break i've ever had in my entire life. school always guaranteed me at least a two-week vacation. and even when i was planning media the company closed for a full week, and i didn't have to spend time traveling. but believe you me, i'm damn thankful that i have a job.

but i did make the most of my time at home. in no particular order: fondue with the parents. 35 M.P.H. go-kart racing with some cousins. a delicious steak dinner. an awesome christmas lunch. buying a white elephant gift (2-foot-tall, 8-pound plaster fake spongebob squarepants piggybank that has to be smashed to get your money back). a family portfolio review. Lou Malnati's pizza. beers with the guys. HBs. first-time open seating flights. an hour and a half delay.

now i'm back in columbus. a car that was driving over the wooden bridge into the work parking lots flipped over today. not mine. i believe there were only minor injuries. speaking of car problems, my stupid car seems to be experiencing yet more brake issues. yes, i've fixed them five times, but why wouldn't the mechanic take me for a ride? i'm also scared poopless about the idea of potentially becoming a homeowner soon. i'm considering just locking myself in my room and never coming out. EVER.

HOME SWEET HOME

2005-12-08T00:30:00.000-05:00

did i mention that my roomie and i don't have cable here. i'm still trying to figure out how he knew that i was a member of the no-cable club. it's not like i like tv or anything.

A WHOLE NEW WORLD

2005-12-04T00:31:00.000-05:00

what has two thumbs and is in columbus? this guy. i got here this afternoon. and my wonderful parents helped me drive out here. they are something else i tell you. the drive was about six hours or so. my new apartment is great as is my new roomie—a really nice ohio guy. after my parents and i got here, the car was quickly unpacked and thrown into my room. it didn't take very long though because the car was filled with clothes, shoes, computer stuff and bed stuff. and when i say bed stuff, i really just mean my brand new queen-size air-mattress. i'm so excited to sleep on it tonight, partly because it took much less than one minute to inflate. and should i choose to deflate it, that act would take a mere 13 seconds (i think that's what the box said anyway.). that's pretty amazing if you ask me. while i am so happy with my current accomodations, my current state of health leaves a little to be desired. on thursday, i seemed to have acquired a bug somewhere on the cold streets of chicago. not the scabie kind of bug, but the congested, cough kind of bug. i walked to city hall in hopes of seeing the chicago white sox's world series trophy. well, i got there and the open area where i assumed the trophy would be displayed was empty. i bundled back up and started walking back home. i passed by a bank of america to take care of some business after which i helped myself to a complimentary white chocolate, macadamia nut cookie. i thought that it was deserved considering the disappointment i was feeling from not seein the trophy. unfortunately, i learned a tough lesson about taking uncovered/unwrapped anything because now you might call me stuffy stufferson. and so i will have to go to my first day of work as, "the mouth-breather." wish me luck.

chicago —> atlanta —> chicago —> columbus

2005-11-30T15:26:00.000-05:00

i'm so close to moving to ohio that i can already taste the buckeyes. i'll be packing up the car with clothes, a toothbrush and an air mattress for me to sleep on for the next few months. i refuse to live in anything other than the lap of luxury.

speaking of the lap of luxury, princess heste got married this weekend to the prince of parker. it was glorious. time for some highlights (in no particular order):

1. the wonderfully choreographed entrance of the wedding party into the church
2. princess ann and her beautiful gown
3. tears of joy (i love watching people have a happy cry.)
4. a mini PC reunion in the corner
5. un-shy kids on the dancefloor
6. a flutist/fluter/flute-player
7. cheese blocks
8. a certain famous, wimpy, former chicago white sox television personality and cool guy

see you in columbus.

LIFE AFTER PC…BEFORE WORK

2005-11-23T09:42:00.000-05:00

here's what i've been up to. make sure you sit down for this one—that's all i ever do anyway.

actually, i have done a few other things beside sit on my ass, but i have quite enjoyed those times. for example, when i've been at my sister's house, i become a tivo zombie. i've caught up on this season of the apprentice (the donald, of course) and watched any alias and grey's anatomy that i might've missed. here at the p's house, we don't appreciate the advanced world of cable, which i'm okay with really. but it does force me to watch a lot of dvd's of that 70's show and crazy amounts of terrible television. let me go over just a few of the programs i've no choice but to watch:

1. tyra–mmmm hmmmm. yesterday she had a segment called, "oh no you didn't…oh yes we did" where she tricked one obsessive bow wow stalker, i mean, fan into thinking that she was a finalist in a contest to spend the day with him. her and the other finalist competed in a bow wow trivia competition that was fixed to make her lose. then she was let in on the segment and showed bow wow her pillow on which she wrote things like, "he will be mine." at least she wasn't creepy or anything.

2. the people's court–one bride had apparently taken her wedding dress and a bridesmaid dress to a local seamstress to have them altered. the old lady messed them both up, the bride paid her with a check, took the dresses and then stopped payment on the checks. because the dresses were so bad and because judge marilyn milian can obviously appreciate haute couture, the bride won. the litigants for the next case then came into the court. a lady who bought a used car with over 200,000 miles on it from a man named bubba. bubba wins!!!

3. martha–she had betty white on yesterday to help her make a pumpkin pie. betty white: cool. pumpkin pie: really cool. martha stewart: sucks. she is by far the worst talk show host on television, and remember, i've watched tyra too. martha kept being bitchy to betty. when the show came back from commercial, martha said, "i'm here talking with betty white, who is quite chatty. you definitely have a lot to say betty." betty just had this confused look on her face. i think she was going to slap her straight back to prison. betty was being really funny and martha kept right on going with her stupid recipe. and any good talk show host apparently has to give something to their audience besides an hour of entertainment right? well martha did follow that rule. she gave every single person in the studio audience a "micro nutmeg grater"!!!!! i was so jealous.

of course, i have watched some good things too.

1. ellen–i used to not like her, but she's okay with me now. yesterday she had kim cattrall carry a remote control ape bust with her on a ride in a bicycle taxi in nyc.

2. punky brewster–punky and her friends were at summer camp. they all wanted to kiss boys, and punky was the only one who actually did. go punky! apparently, good shows are on early in the morning. who knew? i bet perfect strangers is on just before punky.

happy thanksgiving.

SNOW FREAKIN WAY

2005-11-18T09:31:00.000-05:00

heeeeeeee's back—he being me. i cut my holiday in the uk a day short because the flights were starting to get full and i was flying standby. i made it back with no problems except that upon my arrival, the wonderful city of chicago welcomed me back with magical snow flurries and a nasty wind in my face. two years in atlanta already helped me forget what winter is supposed to feel like. i was sitting on the train back from the airport and everytime the doors opened, it was snowing inside.

since wednesday night, i've been busy with my best friend the tv. but last night, i went out to a chicago advertising federation happy hour with some old friends. we got to talking about the good old days when we did our bike ride for the multiple sclerosis society. i'm not sure if they were serious or drunk, but the three of us and their friend tara were all quite serious about the idea of doing the ride again in 2006. i'm already getting excited.

REUNION'S RULE

2005-11-13T06:11:00.000-05:00

so, now i'm in manchester, which is about a four hour drive north of london. i freaking love it here. the last time i was here was five years ago, when i "studied" for one semester at the University of manchester institute of science and technology. sounds pretty nerdy doesn't it? well, all my friends that i lived in the dorms with went to a different university that apparently didn't require them to attend class that often. i take that back. some of them chose not to attend too many classes and have since failed out of uni and returned to study something else. anyway, since i've been on my walk down memory lane, it been brilliant as these brits would say. i remember so many things about being here, and each memory brings a little or huge smile to my face. i can't help it. the friday night "bop" at the dorm's bar, watching neighbors after dinner every night in the common room, having a huge sunday roast at my uncle's and auntie's house, hanging out at their fish & chip shop. the list goes on and on.

last thursday i got an e-mail from an old uni friend whom i hadn't heard from in about two months. she gave me an update on the group of friends and said that they were all going to be getting together in manchester, which doesn't happen too often. she jokingly said that i should buy an airplane ticket right away and join them. little did she know that i was one-step ahead of her. so somehow, i picked the perfect weekend to be in the UK and was able to meet up with them last night in west didsbury. there were nine friends that i got to know so well at the bar. it was so great to see them and so bizarre at the same time. they all looked the same more or less, and at times even behaved like they were in their first year at university. i felt like i was 21 again for an hour or two. i'll get some pictures up so you can keep an eye out for them the next time you're in manchester.

CUPPA TEA

2005-11-09T18:57:00.000-05:00

i made it to london. i love vacations.

RETURN OF THE JEFF

2005-11-07T18:19:00.000-05:00

apparently, the third time is not a charm, seeing as this is the fifth time i'm trying to write this.

so here's what i can remember about what's happened over the past few weeks:

* the family flew down to atlanta for my graduation and packed up more than half of my room to bring back to chicago. definitely the nicest people i know.

* while they were in town, we went to the atlanta fish market to enjoy some treasures from the sea. i got marginally lobstered before graduation.

* the night of the ceremony, i got my certificate of completion, i went out for a few drinks, yada, yada, yada.

* i went to nyc for the portfolio review, but i didn't get my portfolio reviewed.

* other highlights of my nyc trip were changing hotels/floors/air mattresses three times in five nights, visiting/working at/receiving generous gifts from the sharps offices, seeing we are scientists and ambulance ltd at the bowery ballroom, hanging out with meeto, lunch with cha cha and just being in the city.

* bess was kind enough to fly down to atlanta, hang out for a few days and drive back to chicago with me. the drive took about 11 speedy hours.

so now i'm officially back in chicago for a month. the first few days here have been filled with tv (big shocker huh?), some touch football and an impromptu family party. and during the month, i'm planning on going to london for about a week to visit some family. i should have some stories from my travels.

slow connection at home + my lack of patience = no pictures for you

EXTENDED WEEKEND

2005-10-17T12:31:00.000-04:00

my apologies to the loyal DBAMM reader for my extended absence. while i would love to tell you about my "that 70s show"-filled days, i have a feeling that you might not be all that receptive to it.

but now that i have actually done something and will be soon going somewhere, i'm back.

last thursday, ehall and myself moved the weekend up a couple days and took off for savannah—the hostess city of the south. we had lunch on tybee island, drove around savannah's many squares, visited the telfair museum and of course, i ate like the world was coming to an end (that's pretty much what i do on vacation.). we also discovered that when we combine our intellectual powers, we make quite a crossword puzzling team. we're no match for K and her wonder boy, but we might be worthy of a silver medal.

and this week, i will be officially graduating from portfolio school. i can't really believe that i'm done. tomorrow i get the school's blessing that i can put their name on my resumé and friday the family flies down here for a little graduation ceremony. and i'll leave for new york the middle of next week for a portfolio review at the type director's club. life will be changing very soon and very fast. but i think my "that 70s show"-filled days will stay the same.

TIMMMM-BERRRRRR

2005-10-07T16:32:00.000-04:00

last night, i woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of shattering glass. my first instinct led me to believe that a huge branch had fallen onto my car. and with the experiences i've had with my car, i suspected that the branch not only hit my car, but also ran away. i laid in bed for two minutes just to delay me actually having to see what happened outside. eventually i got up and went to the window. i was really surprised to see that my car appeared to have avoided any damage. and in fact, i couldn't see any cars or homes from my window that had received the business end of a fallen branch.

and this morning, i woke up to a call from my roommate saying that i should go outside and see the damage. apparently, an old oak decided that it was tired of standing up and wanted to lie down for a minute. and that a small honda civic would make a perfect pillow. i'm just glad that my car got out of the way, but is anyone else wondering why it seems like so many trees don't like standing in atlanta?

WEIRDOS

2005-10-07T01:28:00.000-04:00

i just went to a concert where i may have lost just a small portion of my hyper sensitive hearing. some friends and i went to see my morning jacket at the roxy. but first, along with about 10 other people, we enjoyed the song stylings of kathleen edwards, which is probably the worst name for a singer i have ever heard. i think it sounds more like a librarian, or real estate agent. and to go along with her stupid name, she had some really stiff robotic moves. she was passionate about playing her music though. so much so, that instead of using her voice to create some kind of vibrato (i think that's what it's called.) she just shook her head. and she played a mean rhythm guitar too. when she was strumming some sweet chords, her buddy was playing a hot solo. but that didn't keep her from acting as though she was the one who was solo-ing. she got on her knees and leaned back to strum her chords. what the heck lady? go back to canadia. and the crowd was equally awesome. i'm no expert, but i think i saw an old man playing the best air guitar i've ever seen. and he was multi-talented too because in another song, he played an awesome air tambourine. somehow i got him to give me his autograph and will be selling it on ebay next week.

EARLY TRICK OR TREAT

2005-09-30T10:49:00.000-04:00

You visit DBAMM. You get a treat. And if you're a member of the Academy, we'll each need our own Oscars please.

Jealous?

Time to watch Tyra's new talk show whilst I sit in my Cindy Crawford furniture.

WAS THAT A DREAM?

2005-09-29T18:13:00.001-04:00

last night, pipa, e hall, d dubs and i all went to philips arena to see coldplay. the opener was a band from california, rilo kiley. the frontman is an attractive woman. or at least she's attractive from portal 22, section 410, about 10 rows from the back of the arena. and she plays the bass, piano, tambourine, harmonica and who knows what else. the band also boasts a full-body-afro'ed trumpet player. eventually, the arena filled and coldplay blew my mind. i felt like a little kid seeing a magician at a birthday party. i wanted to jump around as if i had lost all control, and everytime the lights got really bright or strobed, i pretty much wanted to throw myself off the balcony. i think everyone felt the same way as me. at one point, coldplay took an unusual five-minute break. chris martin came back on stage alone, talked about being in atlanta and how great everyone here is, and then dropped a bomb and brought out a special guest. ladies and gentlemen, athens, georgia's own michael stipe. so, naturally, chris martin sits down at his fair trade piano and tickles a little nightswimming. it was the closest i've come to having an out of body experience. well, except for that time in third grade when i won the cake walk at my school's fun fair. let's just say i had a good night.

DON'T WAKE ME UP

2005-09-29T18:13:00.000-04:00

Smartie Pants Lives Again.

2005-09-28T00:51:00.000-04:00

Today, while I was talking to Meeto, I somehow reached far back into the vault that is my brain and dusted off a memory from just over a week ago. While my unknowingly scabied friends and I were in Boston, we spent a fair bit of time waiting for the complimentary shuttle to come speeding back to the hotel to pick us up. During these times, we witnessed several people that, in retrospect, should've raised some red flags about the quality of this hotel that claims to be the "best" something. We saw a man bend down to pick up a coin, which would've been perfectly normal had he not sprung up as if he were one of the mario brothers. We also saw a group of ladies, who were enjoying what appeared to be a bachelorette party on some sort of vehicle called the "bass bus" or something like that. i can't remember. the best hotel affiliate i saw was one of the airport shuttle services that the hotel called for some guests (luckily not us). the driver pulled up to the hotel and stopped, clearly blocking both the sidewalk and driveway. this wasn't terrible, but i thought he could've been a bit more considerate of others. then he gets out of his van to try to find his customers and makes one amatuer mistake. unfortunately for him, this brief attention lapse allowed his van to slowly start rolling into a major avenue. he appeared to look at his van as he walked in front of it, but didn't seem to care or notice that it was in fact driving itself. as i just kind of watched, a friend casually pointed at the van, and said, "your van." the "professional" driver's eyes got really big and he jumped into the van and stopped it before anyone got hurt. now that's what i call service.

HOW DOES THIS WORK?

2005-09-26T17:52:00.000-04:00

oops! i guess the post that i wrote almost a week ago never got published. sorry about that. you must've thought that something bad happened to me while i was in boston which has deemed me unfit to be posting anything. well, you're pretty much right. did i tell you about the eight people who at one point stayed in room 509 at the "hotel" (dumpster) in boston? as i write this, five of the eight have been diagnosed with scabies. and yes, i'm one of the five. apparently, bug bites and i are best friends. i'm one of the luckier ones and only have about fifteen or so bites. others have now lost count of the times they've fed those annoying mites. so while i'm quarantined in my house, i'll be doing some designing, applying scabies-killing lotion and doing loads and loads of laundry.

in addition to my recently discovered scabies, i discovered kansas city, missouri for the first time. i briefly explored the metropolis on the night i got there and found a few cultural hubs within kc—the cheesecake factory, pf changs, a two-storied casual corner and a couple of thirty-something street performers who shared their keyboard and saxophone rendition of a classic tupac song. and let me just add that these two musical geniuses looked absolutely nothing like tupac or any of his family. if you haven't been to kansas city, go immediately. and might i recommend the chicken caesar salad?

i don't know if you know, but i like tv. and thankfully, unlike my tv at home, my tv here in atlanta doesn't require rabbit ear antennae. hopefully yours doesn't either, in which case you have vh1. so grab your pimp sticks and be sure to catch hip hop honors tonight.

MEDIOCRITY IS GREAT

2005-09-21T00:05:00.000-04:00

I'm back from Boston, where I had an unbelievable time. The highlights were something like this: Charlie's Sandwich Shoppe, hanging out with five of the coolest girls I've ever known, sharing a room with these same five girls, fried oysters, the food at the AIGA Design Legends Gala, free cookies in the afternoon at the hotel, catching up on some much-needed dancing, walking around Boston with people who also liked walking, a new pair of sunglasses, a new pair of shoes, a game at Fenway, way too much soft serve at the game, the mini batting helmet that the soft serve came in.

Tonight, I went to the Tabernacle here in Atlanta. The venue is really similar to the House of Blues in Chicago and maybe a little bit smaller even. Pipa, D Dubbs and I went to see Keane and if you have a chance, you should go see them too.

Now that that's out of the way, not long ago, I identified a new mantra for my life—"Other people make me look good." And it comes partly from me being somewhat of an ego-maniac and partly from other people being relatively turds. I mean, I'm hesitant to give away my secrets without a book deal, but it's really not that hard to be better than a lot of people. If you have manners, you're probably better than 33% of people. How hard is it to chew with your mouth closed? Or say please and thank you? Not very hard. And for guys, chivalry never went out of style, you idiots. Open a door, carry a purse/bag, buy a drink, walk someone to their door, bring a gift. A little effort goes a long way, and it'll make you better than 73% of people. Other people also help by dressing like idiots. Without giving away everything, if you wear clean clothes, clothes that fit, and a pair of black frame glasses, you're pretty much better than 89% of people. It's really not hard people. Until I write the book on other people making you look good, this is all you get.

WHOA

2005-09-12T22:53:00.000-04:00

the name of this page is inspired by meeto's diddy's philosophies. just a few years ago, james, pawula, meeto and i took a little vacation out west to yosemite. in typical G-Tocks (meeto's dad) fashion, he shared a few words of wisdom with his baby boy. in regards to hiking the mountains of the park, i guess, g-tocks said, "be careful. don't be a macho man." and well, i think that's a great attitude by which to live. i know that's hard to believe considering the extreme levels of machismo that i inherently exude, but it's true. i'm not a big fan of those guys who are full-time hardasses. and not just because those guys consistently beat me up either. it's because they're just no fun to hang out with." g-tocks also has another way of sharing his "laid-back" philosophy. it goes a little something like, "don't be a hero." i think he does that so we don't get desensitised to the whole un-macho mentality. we are grateful to g-tocks for this and listen to everything he says.

to clear up any potential misunderstandings, this "game" that K found and sent to me (above), is not exactly the kind of macho, or macho man that i had in mind when i named this. the game is sweeping the nation, but in no way do i personally or DBAMM endorse this american past time.

i'll be in boston for technically the second time, but effectively the first time starting tomorrow. i'll be there for a n AIGA design conference. the part that i'm looking most forward to is the tour of fenway that i'll be going on. a few friends and i are volunteering for some lecture about the park followed by the tour.

KANYE WEST DAY, GOOD DAY, GREAT DAY

2005-09-09T16:58:00.000-04:00

I can't stop listening to 'Yé's album. I feel like he's rhyming on my behalf. So a big thanks goes out to mr west. and i just found out that apparently, the city of chicago also thanked kanye by declaring this past february 27th kanye west day. and he had a free concert at the house of blues. i wish i could've been there. and if you haven't already, you have to see kanye's little outburst on a charity concert on nbc. he's a bit nervous, but you would be too.

in other chicago news, the chicago mararthon is exactly one month away. to DBAMM readers who have been training for the past few months and those who don't believe in training, good luck. if by the end of the race, you have snot and slobber dried up all over your face, be sure to take a picture of that. hopefully that'll be the only time you experience such a situation. sorry i can't make it back to cheer you all on.

A MAN'S GAME

2005-09-08T01:15:00.000-04:00

it's 1:15a and i just finished watching the agassi/blake quarterfinal match. how awesome is that? it was a five-setter with every point being A-MAZING! i usually can't watch tennis on tv for more than ten minutes at a time, but this was riveting. two bald americans, hitting the heck every ball, flying around the court. not only are great tennis players incredible athletes, but they also seem to get hot ladyfriends. i really should've taken school a little less seriously and spent all my time on the court. me, idiot! i wish they had a picture in picutre option where i could watch the girlfriends watching they're boyfriends. in the meantime, i'll just settle for something like this.

CALL OFF THE SEARCH

2005-09-06T19:50:00.000-04:00

the track: "gone" | kanye (this is amazing.)

Don't worry. I know you were all worried that I was kidnapped, deported, or had a heart attack. well, I did almost have a heart attack but that's not why i've been m.i.a. the near heart attack was a few nights ago when i went to brush my dentures. i grabbed my tube of toothpaste out of the medicine cabinet, and apparently, i over-moisturized my gentle hands because that tube squirted out of my hand like a buttery cob of corn. and did i mention that the genius who installed the medicine cabinet placed it directly over the toilet bowl? luckly, it just bounced of the top of the tank and in what seemed like slow motion it narrowly missed the seat and landed on the ground. (and now, that i think about it, i'm not sure that "luckily" is the right word to descibe the outcome.) i'm really glad that i grew up sharing a bathroom with my sister and have kept the habit of putting the seat down. i wished i was in the habit of putting the lid down, which i am now. and i'm even more glad that i'm not one of those people who never re-cap their toothpaste. how can people do that by the way? and do those same people leave other things uncapped? what makes toothpaste so special? if i'm talking about you, i'd be open to your theories.

so since my toothpaste didn't drown in the bowl, i was able to work intensely all labor day weekend for day one of my two-day photoshoot today. i'm in the process of putting my portfolio together and am having a few projects photographed professionally. we captured some great shots today and will put them online as soon as i can.

WHAT THE FRIDAY?

2005-09-02T18:29:00.000-04:00

post soundtrack: "hey mama" | kanye west

Another half of a friday has passed and it has been an eventful one. i woke up late for a meeting this morning at 7. i attribute this to a couple factors. first, five and one-half hours of sleep is not ideal for me. unlike a bear, i prefer to hibernate all year round. second, my new european-style, no air conditioning way of life increased ambient sounds, which apparently drowns out the radio setting of my alarm clock. it's a good thing pipa provided me with an unrequested wake up call, especially because there were bagels and coffee at the meeting. i prefer coffee candy or coffee ice cream over liquid coffee, but i need to be alert and stay awake from now until the end of september, so coffee's going to become my new best friend.

i came back after the meeting to an earth-shattering e-mail from a source who will remain unnamed. all you need to know is that i'm only two degrees of separation from one of the main cars being designed for the upcoming sequel in the fast and furious franchise, which is probably cooler than being any number of degrees away from vin diesel.

and i just got back from target where two people were totally making out in the dish detergent aisle. what the heck is wrong with people? i walked up to them and asked them if they preferred liquid or gel cascade. they just kept on kissing.

hmm, i guess it wasn't as eventful as i thought it was. oh well. that's all i got.

GOUGING? I WANT SOME.

2005-09-01T02:05:00.000-04:00

post soundtrack: "video" | india arie (this song is still good.)

Ahh, Atlanta. Something must be in the water here because the city and many of its citizens are not too smart. Fear of a gas shortage was somehow spread and people were eating it up. Apparently Kat knocked out a pipeline that supplies Atlanta with some of its gas. People waited in long lines at gas stations to pay at the very least $2.99 for regular gas and up to $8.99 for a gallon of the good stuff. watching this on the news is hilarious. they're interviewing people who are so scared that they won't be able to drive their pimped out minivans. and they're crying about the price of the gas that they chose to buy within the very hours in which the price went up, while other people not too far away have lost their homes. get some freaking perspective you buttfaces.

don't get me wrong, i'd prefer to not have to pay so much for gas. i mean, i have an amazingly practical portfolio box that i could be spending that money on. but instead of whining, i'm going to change my lifestyle, starting right now. i've already turned off the air conditioning to save some energy, thrown out any non-organic food items, tuned-up my crooked-handle barred bike, beat some clothes against some rocks down at the creek and started building my adobé brick house in the backyard. i just hope i still get a strong wireless signal from out there.

TRUST ME. I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.

2005-08-29T03:12:00.000-04:00

post soundtrack: "hate it or love it" the game

twenty years ago, i thought i knew what i was doing. i was ready to go to school to learn what i needed to know to become a racecar driver, police officer or garbage man (i still think it's so cool how they get to hang off the outside of the truck. it's pretty much like a blue collar man's rap video when you think about it. i'll definitely explain further another day.). anyway, those dreams never panned out, but by the time i made it to college and had to pick a major, i felt like i was more sure about my desired profession when i was five and all i had to worry about was not throwing up after i rode the tire swing…again. oops. so rather than listen to my heart, i listened to then, puff daddy who told me that it was all about the benjamins. so i chose finance. if by chance i didn't make money of my own, i could do something with other people's. something that involved using a texas instruments BA-II plus for sure. so i finished my degree and was actually pretty excited about working for some big financial powerhouse, wearing a suit everyday (or at least a shirt and tie) and climbing up that corporate ladder with those elusive benjamins raining down on the people below me. MWOOH, HA HA HA! well, that didn't happen either. instead i was an assistant media planner for a royally greasy food chain, not wearing suits to work everyday and definitely not climbing any little giant© ladder. thankfully i was laid off after eight months but i will forever miss the extended lunch breaks at espnzone with Dish and hanging out with Dizzle. because Dizzle is the one who introduced me to the wonderful world of portfolio center.

so here i am, almost two years later, about to finish a design program—maybe the polar opposite of studying finance. and i know i'm doing the right thing. how do i know? well, i can just feel it. and if that's not good enough for you, then here. i'm so serious about this that i've developed a strict self-imposed schedule to ensure that i complete all my work. i won't get into too many details, but it involves lots of designing, little sleep and regular and frequent feedings. my day must start with a bowl of cereal, even if i don't feel like it. on friday morning, i treated myself to some sliced bananas with my ctc (mmmm. ba-na-nas). it tasted a little funny, almost like the milk was going bad, but i chalked it up to the bananas. plus, i was so focused and designing so hard that i had no idea what the date was. the date on the milk meant absolutely nothing to me. i struggled to finish because of a combination of the unfavorable taste and excess bananas. i should buy smaller bananas. saturday morning rolled around and i thought i'd give the milk another shot sans nanas. still had no idea what the date was so i sucked down the milk like a newborn baby. it turned out the milk was slightly over-ripened, but i'm happy to say that while i did end up eating two bowls of slightly sour milk, i have not yet suffered any severe repercussions. and the milk has since been poured out and there were no chunks to be seen. i share this articulate little anecdote with you to calm any doubts you may have that this whole design venture is another one of my missteps down my career path. this is the real deal. i'm serious—as serious as drinking spoiled milk.

BLAHHHHHG.

2005-08-26T01:11:00.000-04:00

The word 'blog' is so stupid. it sounds like how you might feel after you eat a grandé chimichanga or what some nerdy star wars fanatic would say in their imaginary, nasally, alien language. that's not exactly what i'm trying to achieve by doing this, so i'm picking a new name for this little forum. i hope that i'll never have to say the word blog ever again in my life.

instead, i'd rather be saying:

fessay = life + essay
double u, double u, docu-double u (or dub, dub, doc, dub for short) = www + document
internaily = internet + daily
meowww = me + www
biary = bio + diary
whuh, whuh, wournal = www + journal

i'll just use all of them for now and allow the survival of the fittest.

WHY NOT WIN THE TOUR DE FRANCE?

2005-08-25T08:41:00.000-04:00

post soundtrack: "eye of the tiger" | survivor

If you know what's good for you, you'll go out and get you a road bike right away. and I'll tell you why. most people aren't aware of this, but purchasing a road bike will earn you at least $500,000. i'll share my logic with you, but don't go spreading this all over. if i wanted everyone to know about my fail-proof, money-making scheme, would i be putting it on the world wide web?

so this is how it works. you buy a bike, you probably don't want to spend any less than about $10,000. this is pretty important. you don't have that kind of money? take out a loan or put up your house, it'll pay for itself before you know it. now that you've got a bike, you need some other equipment. bike shorts. the tighter the better. and if you get the ones with the padding in the butt, you can wear them all the time. they fit great under jeans or a skirt and everyone likes a little junk in the trunk. if you really want to get serious, you get the singlet. i mean, unless you're a wrestler or a former contestant on american gladiators, you've been looking for an excuse to get one of these for a while. then, clipless pedals, new shoes, reflectors, a helmet with a built-in rear-view mirror, a kickstand, some streamers, a basket and a bell. ok, now you're ready to ride like the wind. and you've only spent $15,000.

start out with an easy training schedule after work, about 10 miles a day. this is a piece of cake. do this for a week or so, and then add miles. before long, you'll be riding 50 miles a day. this will probably mean you'll have to quit your job, but that's okay. stick with it. so now riding is costing you anywhere from $5 to $50 per hour depending on what you do. anyway, once you're riding 50 miles a day, you're pretty much ready to win the tour de france. i mean, you bump that 50 miles up to 100 and that's almost one full day at the tour. a little more and you've finished a tour day. do that for 21 days and you're done. and i mean, since you invested in this awesome bike and singlet, you'll probably be breaking the land-speed record and winning the tour de france.

this is where the money starts rolling in. you win like $1,000,000 for winning the tour. and then there are all the endorsements, interviews, and such. so after all the money you spent preparing, you've made at least $500,000. and you haven't even put a value on your new girlfriend sheryl crow. see you in paris. a tout a l'heure!

TOOT TOOT (THAT'S MY HORN.)

2005-08-24T00:39:00.000-04:00

first thing's first, if you're wondering, the new windshield wipers are amazing. i've had mine running non-stop since yesterday and it only rained for a little bit tonight. i'm just making sure i get my money's worth.

not that it really matters, but if you don't already know, i should tell you about my curse of bionic hearing. my ears, while average in size, are above-average in aural abilities. you're probably thinking, "ooh, mohawk-boy can hear real good. big deal. stop crying." yeah, i probably should stop crying. too bad i'm writing and you're reading, sucker. yeah, i can hear a ninja attempting a sneak attack or watch reruns of full house quietly enough so no one else hears, but excellent hearing isn't all fun and games. over time i've realised a few things that seem to be more harmful to my sensitive ears than the average person like the sound of dishes being put away, open-mouth chewing, the volume of movies at the theater, whistling (inward- or reverse-whistling especially), squeaky brakes, tv static, and most recently i realised that i turn the knob when i'm closing doors so that i don't have to hear it latch. i think all doors should be japanese-style sliding doors. my ears are pretty much taking over my life.

hmm, maybe van gogh had a similar problem and that's why he cut one off—to lower the volume of everything by 50%. what i'm trying to say is that i'm the next vincent van gogh.

post soundtrack: "wake up" | hillary duff (what the…? how did that get on my computer?)

MONDAY MELANGE

2005-08-22T13:01:00.000-04:00

it's time for THE! MONDAY! MELANGE!!!! [applause]

obviously i have to start with my recent amazingly moronic discovery at my local target store—the french fry holder. how many times have you gotten some fries at the drive-thru and struggled with those tricky paper bags? too many to count i'm sure. well now you can have a holder specifically for your fries. you no longer have anywhere to place your drink, but at least your fries that you always have while you drive have a home now. and your ketchup has its own little cup too. that's money well spent.

the industrial design excellence awards is in the process of collecting votes for its first ever people's choice award. you can see all the amazing nominees and vote here. they've made the mistake of overlooking the french fry holder, but these designs aren't bad either.

starting tomorrow i will begin wearing a uniform whenever i'm outdoors for more than one and one-half minutes. becuase of the overwhelming love atlanta mosquitoes seem to have for my sexy body, i am being forced to wear a hazardous material suit and for added protection, a beekeeper's hat. i was just outside to change my windshield wipers and get some fresh, hot, humid air. in the five minutes it took me to change the wipers, i got bitten four times and heard one mosquito trying to nest in my ear. maybe i should just wear a battery-powered bug zapper on a gold chain around my neck instead.

post soundtrack: 'swing life away' | rise against

THE ANTI-R. KELLY

2005-08-20T19:58:00.000-04:00

That's right. I'm no longer trapped in the proverbial blog closet. Pipa had me trapped in there with her witty, daily posts for a few weeks, and this afternoon, I couldn't do it anymore. she suggested that i contribute a guest blog on LofaH about my arguably unethical attraction to a certain spoken-for breed of ladies. i was of course honored to be considered at all, but on the inside i knew that it was time to come clean. and, i'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that her offer has been pulled swiftly off the table.

but so, after i revealed my deep, dark secret about DBAMM with her, she nearly threw her glass of water at my face. was i scared? heck yeah. it was cold water and should any of it have gotten into my mouth, my sensitive teeth would've let me know i was in trouble. I think pipa has calmed down now, although the 90% time spent together may see significant cutbacks. in the meantime, i will do my best to raise my "blog game" to her level or, (sit down for this.) attempt to out-blog her, starting now.

on saturday, august 6, 2005, at 7:37 P.M., pipa told of a minor natural disaster—the fallen tree on her block. well, this earlier this evening, i made my attempt to out-blog her. i climbed the above tree immediately adjacent to my house and tore down a couple limbs. this photo does not completely show the extent of the damage caused. i tried my best to throw the one hundred-pound limb at the house, but came up a little short. you should see the barbeque grill though. it looks like george foreman beat the crap out of it. i know my disaster didn't wreck a house or total a couple cars, but it was man-made and it was right outside my door—at least that's pretty cool.

THE GOOD OL' DAYS

2005-08-17T09:25:00.000-04:00

I got my car back yesterday. but not without a little trouble first of course. the place called me yesterday morning and said that my car was all ready. i went around noon to get it. i signed a bunch of papers and then semi-jokingly asked the lady if i should've looked at the car before i signed off. she was quick to say that their work is guaranteed for as long as i own the car. well some guy pulled my car around front and i couldn't wait to drive it home. from about ten feet away, it looked like new. then i got closer and it didn't look so new. there was a piece of the door that hadn't been painted. hello, idiots?!?! i'm a freaking designer. you think i won't notice that? after i had already said my goodbyes to the stupide people at the shop i went back in to get someone to take a look at their stupidity. the guy looked at it and at first claimed that it was supposed to be a flat finish, not glossy. i semi-sarcastically, semi-politely inquired about why the other three doors did not have this "flat finish" that it was supposed to have. before he walked around to the other side, he even said that they'd have to buff out the other door on this same side. i wanted to kick him in the head. he walked around to the other side of the car, looked at himself in the glossy paint, pulled his head out of his ass and said that they'd have to fix that. i drove away in my sweet rental that smells similar to a port-o-potty. anyway i picked it up later and it was close enough. i'll have to do my complete inspection today in the daylight.

in other news, meeto shared this interesting discovery with me. go to google.com and search the word "failure". and congratulations to bess and meeto on their recent purchases. they begin their training for the tour de france this week. and be sure to check out james on his one-city summer tour to campbell university in north carolina. if anything check out his myspace site for pictures of really attractive female matheletes (they thank each other a lot for adding. i don't exactly get it.) tear it up james.

SMOKING BREAK

2005-08-15T22:26:00.000-04:00

Since you don't smoke, check this out for five minutes. If you don't like it, go smoke and make your lungs black…you buttface.

WEEKEND RECAP

2005-08-14T18:12:00.000-04:00

This is how it went down:

Friday: worked in "the office" all day, by myself. and took a few naps too. and at night i think i sadly did more work. man, i'm a loser.

saturday: got up early to do some more work. had a meeting with an advisor (for design, not life). stuffed my face at lunch with a couple friends. and then the best part of the weekend came along. i went to the grocery. i had eaten a slice of toast for breakfast, which was the butt of the loaf. i bought all the usual stuff—bread, milk, fruit, turkey, cheese and one dozen large eggs. i got home and grabbed my twenty bags and brought them all inside in one trip. it's a sweet designer's workout. i had to put my back into it when struggled to put them up on the counter. apparently, it wasn't good enough because one bag got away. the bag slid right off the counter. it turns out those little foam cartons can't protect precious eggs from a four foot plummet to earth. it was actually reasonable armor, but they were cracked nonetheless. so what did i do?

did i:
A. take my dozen eggs back to the store and blame it on the bagger.
B. throw the salvageable eggs at my neighbor who i think ran into my parked car.
C. feed them to the dog.
D. make a nine-egg omelette.

the correct answer is D. i wouldn't have been able to deal with the guilt of throwing them all away. they were perfectly good eggs. and i just brought them home. but why nine? well that's just because cracking nine eggs into a bowl looks really gross. and my bowl was full anyway.

sunday: cleaned the shower. it's a great feeling knowing that the shower is clean. played some volleyball, which felt awesome after having sat in front of my computer for two straight weeks. and now i'm watching coyote ugly. i've seen this movie way too many times to tell you. tonight, i'm going to see bobby yang. this guy plays amazing rock covers on his violin. and after the concert, i'll probably eat some omelette. what a surprise.

YOU KNOW YOU WANT MY AUTOGRAPH

2005-08-11T00:10:00.000-04:00

During my brief stint at Philips Design, I had the opportunity to go to a photo shoot for a new product that they're coming out with. The best part of this day was the free lunch I got. The second best part of the day was that I not only got to go to the photo shoot, but I ended up being a part of the photo shoot. My modelling career has officially begun. And soon, I will be your favorite contestant on America's Next Top Model. My likeness can be seen at your leisure. It's clearly of no interest to you, but the product being sold here is the LED candle. Obviously, the candles aren't that great because you can't even see my face. Enjoy and if you're not satisfied just looking at me online, go buy a candle. I'm on the packaging too.

HAPPY BURGER

2005-08-08T14:17:00.000-04:00

Big ups to Meeto and Bess for recommending Morningstar spicy black bean burgers. Good stuff, but they really stink up the house when you cook them. And what the heck is with them only putting four in a box? I eat four of those things in one sitting. Yeah, I'm one million pounds, but I still like meat substitute products just as much as the next guy. Tofu? Bring it on.

FATL ATTRCTN

2005-08-05T09:15:00.000-04:00

yeah, so, i am obsessed. when i look at her, my heart skips a beat. and i get this feeling in my stomach, that feels strangely similar to the gurgle i get when i eat ice cream i bought from a guy pushing a cart with bells. and her name: RAZR. black or silver, i don't discriminate. she is so freaking amazing! is she a waste of money? oh, most definitely. but it is so sexy to see and be seen with. am i superficial? when it comes to phones, YES. i just looked at it online for the 80 millionth time, and i fell out of my chair. nearly had a concussion from the blow to the head. if you don't know what i'm talking about, it's because you're not cool. talk to me when you learn what good design looks like.

TV, WILL YOU MARRY ME?

2005-08-03T10:55:00.000-04:00

Maybe you don't know that I love TV? Well it turns out I do. It's probably my best friend, or close anyway. My favorite shows are as follows (in no particular order):

1. That 70's Show
2. The Real World
3. Big Brother (I'm the only person who watches this.)
4. Amazing Race
5. Hogan Knows Best (I am real American…)
6. Inferno, Inferno II, any subsequent Infernos
7. Full House
8. The Cosby Show
9. Alias
10. Best Week Ever
11. The Wonder Years
12. Everyday Italian starring Giada DeLaurentis
13. Kitchen Session with Charlie Trotter
14. Made (Phew. I almost forgot.)
15. Friends (Yeah, I like Friends. So what?)
16. The Amazing Race
17. Globe Trekker
18. Extreme Makeover Home Edition (I just like the end when people cry.)
19. Late Night with Conan O'Brien
20. In a Fix
21. Seinfeld

By the way, I just met some guy who looked just like Peterman. It was awesome. I wanted to ask him to take a picture with me and to autograph my hairy chest.

ARTSY-FARTSY

2005-08-02T21:40:00.000-04:00

When I came down to Atlanta almost two years ago, I was probably 11% artsy, 89% fartsy. Some might even say the ratio was even more lop-sided than that. Over time, I've somehow managed to balance out the two a little bit. I might even dare say that I'm not 33% artsy, 67% fartsy. After some patient farming, I harvested some serious hair today and with the help of one very attractive stylist, I now have something even closer to a real mohawk than ever.

As a kid, whenever my parents would see someone with a "weird" hairstyle, they would ask me if I wanted that style too. I'm guessing it may have, in some ways, been some kind of scare tactic—to prevent me from becoming a weirdo. Well, after them asking me so many times if I wanted a "weird" hairstyle, I think they've caused me to get one. Maybe my parents were just ahead of the times?

THE TRANSCRIPTS OF MY LIFE

2005-08-02T00:15:00.000-04:00

Get ready for some serious machismo people. That's all I am. One big mass of pure machismo.